Did you notice that the word “you” is in the title twice? That’s because you are the solution to the problem of being treated so badly by your ex. When the concept of divorce first enters into your life, you are generally feeling emotionally stung. Even if you are the one who decided divorce would be a good idea, it’s still unsettling.
You become very introspective when divorce slams itself against your doorstep and your mind goes into overwhelm trying to answer all the questions it’s asking you. How did this happen? Why is this happening to me? What did he do wrong? What did I do wrong? How will this affect the kids? How will I tell my parents? What kind of harassment will I get from my friends? Can I afford to live on my own without his/her salary? Will we be able to keep the house?
I’m fairly confident you have asked yourself a lot of those questions. I discovered in going through my divorce that the answers kept changing until I finally understood what had happened because I didn’t let myself see the full picture without some time passing so I could process the ideas and without the help of a therapist.
Once you get all of the details of court, custody, living arrangements, stabilizing the kids’ schedule handled, you end up a few months down the road with another question: Can I start dating again? How can I ever trust another man/woman after what I just went through?
If you have gone inside yourself and chosen to be forthright about your own role in the divorce, you will be able to trust another again. Do you know how YOU contributed to it? If you do not, I don’t think it’s a good idea to begin dating again, because without knowing how you made it happen the first time, you’ll just do it all over again. You don’t want that kind of pain, do you?
So, consider going to a therapist, seeking the counsel of someone at your church, or check out the benefits you have for this kind of thing in your Human Resources department at work. Sure, you can go it alone, but if you are the least bit like me, you are way too subjective about it at a time when you really need objectivity. You need the assistance of someone who is objective and can help you to see your role in what happened. And think of this aspect: without help = lots of time; with help = short time to gain the understanding you’ll need to prevent another divorce.
Once you have gained that understanding, you will see that it’s not the other person you can trust – it’s you. You see your role. You know how to not make the same mistakes. You can trust you. You won’t permit the same thing to happen again should divorce and the emotional upheaval that accompanies it rear it’s ugly head again. You’ve now got new boundaries, new requirements. You can see things coming at you and you’ll be able to sidestep them. You’ll be armed with your understanding, and with that, you can enjoy a really fruitful relationship the second time around. I found my soul mate and I know you can too. Good luck to you!
In his book “Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents,” Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len’s book and it’s accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
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